


Silence

by MorganaNK



Category: Inspector Lynley - All Media Types, Inspector Lynley Mysteries (TV)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-27
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-11-05 13:16:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 9,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11014206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganaNK/pseuds/MorganaNK
Summary: Barbara is locked away in a world of her own making.  Will she ever find her way back; does she even want to try?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Property of Elizabeth George and the BBC, no copyright infringement intended

I stopped at the reception desk and signed in. It was a task I had done on so many occasions that it was now automatic, something I barely had to think about, which was good because my mind was filled with other, far more important things.

“Hello Mr Lynley.”

I glanced up from the visitors’ book and smiled, not wanting to participate in idle conversation. 

“Barbara’s in the garden, do you want to see her out there?”

I nodded and then headed through the hallway, out the back door and into the grounds.

I spotted Barbara sitting on the grass next to the small ornamental fishpond. I crossed the lawn and sat down next to her.

“Hi Barbara.”

There was no reaction, not that I expected one. In the six months that Barbara had been here she hadn’t uttered a word, most of the time it was as if she was hidden away in an isolation bubble, completely detached from the world.

I reached for her hand, lacing my fingers through hers. I didn’t know if she was aware that I was touching her, but it helped me.

“It’s a nice day to be outside, and the garden is lovely.”

In the beginning, the fact that Barbara wouldn’t speak had been both frustrating and infuriating, and I had fluctuated between wanting to shake her and shout at her, neither of which would do any good. Now I had almost got used to her silence, something that I wouldn’t have thought possible, she had always been such a force of nature before.

Before.

I tried not to think about before, because before was a dark path littered with too much whiskey, missed opportunities, and self-recrimination. I couldn’t change what had happened, but I could do my damnedest to make the future more positive.

I lifted the hand I was holding into my lap, turning it over so that I could stroke her palm.

“I miss you Barbara. I miss the sound of your voice. I miss your laugh. I miss your caustic wit. I wish I could find a way to reach you.”

~*~

“I don’t bloody believe this! How did she manage to slip past two surveillance units? I want answers and I want them now!”

I turned on my heel and stomped off to my office, slamming the door behind me. Not two seconds later, Barbara appeared.

“Do you feel better after that?”

I ran my fingers through my hair, pushing it back from where it had fallen over my eyes.

“It was slapdash policing Barbara. There is no way that Listová should have slipped through the net. That’s three weeks of hard work wasted!”

“There were no guarantees that she would have led us to Trollů.”

“She was the best lead we had!”

“You need a break Sir.”

“A nice idea Barbara, but how can I take a break now?”

“Easily, you can leave me to cattle prod the troops while you go and catch up on some sleep. I don’t think you’ve had more than three hours sleep in the last four days.”

“Neither have you.”

“I’m used to it Sir, aged parents with health issues, remember. You’d be surprised how little sleep I can survive on. Go home. I promise I will call you if anything comes up that needs your immediate attention.”

I put my hand on her shoulder and squeezed it affectionately. “I owe you.”

“You don’t, now get out of here before I change my mind.”

I held my hands up in a gesture of surrender, “I’m gone.”

~*~

I slumped into the Bristol’s driver’s seat, bracing my arms on the steering wheel and resting my forehead against them.

Coming to see Barbara was exhausting, but I never once thought about not visiting. I owed her more than I could ever hope to repay, but even if I didn’t, she was my world and I would never abandon her.

Rolling my shoulders to try and relieve some of the tension, I started the car and headed for home.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **_Some people may find the second half of this chapter difficult to read. While I apologise if it upsets anyone, I hope that you will stick with it._ **

I stared absently, my eyes unfocused, my senses tuning out everything around me. Despite what everyone believed, even though I appeared to be a soulless human shell that did nothing but barely exist, I was perfectly aware of my surroundings, I just chose not to interact with them.

The real world, the one that everyone was so desperate for me to rejoin, it had done nothing but hurt me. It had kicked me down so many times that I had given up crawling onto my knees. The world I was in now, the world where I spent all my time, nothing could touch me there, so why would I want to be anywhere else?

~*~

“Okay everyone, I think we’ve done all we can now. I suggest you head home, but be back here by seven tomorrow morning.”

My announcement was met with the sound of the office emptying en-masse. I shook my head and smiled softly to myself as I packed up my desk.

“I hope that you included yourself in that announcement Barb, you packed the DI off home hours ago.”

I turned towards Winston, trying hard not to laugh. “Yes mum, I’m heading off now.”

“Make sure you do. I’ll see you tomorrow Barb.”

“Tomorrow Winnie, and don’t be late!”

“And you call me mum!”

As the door closed behind Winston I returned my attention to packing up my desk. Throwing a file on the pile of others that seemed to be taking over my in-tray, I grabbed my coat and bag and made my way out of the building to my car.

I threw my bag onto the passenger seat and turned the key in the ignition. Nothing happened.

“Bloody great!” The battery had been playing up for a couple of days, but with the pressures of the case I hadn’t had time to do anything about it. I thought about going inside to see if anyone was around to give me a jumpstart but decided against it. It was too late and I was too tired to start faffing about with my temperamental car. If I hurried to the station I might just be in time to catch the last tube, and if I missed it then hopefully there would be a cab outside. Snatching up my bag, I locked the car and broke into a run.

~*~

“She’s awake.”

“Good, it’s time she and I had a little chat.”

I yelped with pain as someone grabbed hold of my hair and viciously yanked my head upwards and back. I blinked, trying to focus, struggling against whoever held me, but it soon became apparent that I was blindfolded and bound to a chair.

“Any idea why you’re here bitch?”

“N… no.” I hated that my voice sounded so fragile.

The grip on my hair got tighter.

“Are you sure about that?”

“I don… don’t.”

“Let’s see if this does anything to jog your memory.”

The binds holding me to the chair were loosened and I was hauled off the seat and upright before being thrown onto the floor. My forehead connected with the hard concrete, stunning me. Rough hands turned me over onto my back, clawing at my clothes, forcing my legs apart. I tried to close them, but more hands on my ankles stopped me short. I knew what was coming and, deep inside, I also knew that I was powerless to prevent it. However, that knowledge wouldn't stop me from trying.

If I’d thought having my hair nearly ripped from my scalp had been painful, it was nothing compared to the agony of my tormentor forcing himself inside me. My scream earned me nothing but a backhand across the face, and blood soon mingled with the tears that were soaking my blindfold. The will to fight abandoned me and I surrendered to the inevitable.


	3. Chapter 3

As I locked the car and made my way up to my office I tried to calm my temper. Barbara had been radio silent since she had packed me off home the previous day and, while I understood that as my friend she was looking out for me and had my best interests at heart, as my sergeant she should have updated me.

The communal office was a hive of activity, although one person was very conspicuous in their absence. I crossed the room to where Winston was sitting.

“Morning. Barbara not in yet?”

“Morning Sir. I haven’t seen her, which surprised me as her car is in the car park and she was very clear that we all needed to be back in the office by seven this morning. Do you want me to try and call her?”

I shook my head, “I’ll do it.”

Ten minutes later I was even more irate.

~*~

I had no idea how long I had been lying here, my body battered, bruised and violated. I didn’t dare move, because any attempt at movement was immediately rewarded with agony. 

My living nightmare had gone on for what seemed like an eternity; and I had been bound and blindfolded for all of it. Sensory deprivation hadn’t made it any easier to bear.

Eventually the abuse had stopped and I had been left alone with my thoughts, my tormentors departing with a cheery ‘it’s been fun but we’ve got places to be and people to murder’. I knew who they were from that comment, and I knew why I had been taken. My abuse was a message from Trollů and his cohorts to the Met. I had served my purpose.

~*~

My temper was abating, being replaced by worry. It was gone nine and there was still no word from Barbara. I was just about to go out and check her flat when my phone rang.

“Lynley.”

“Ah, good morning Detective Inspector.”

I frowned, not recognising the voice.

“I am calling to let you know that I have found something that belongs to you. Something precious. You were careless when you misplaced it, a lesser man would keep an item this valuable, but I have left it in a safe place for you to retrieve at your leisure.”

“Who are you? What are you talking about?”

“A package will be delivered to you by courier and then everything will become clear. Have a good day Detective Inspector.”

A click at the other end told me that the caller had hung up. As I replaced the handset there was a knock on my office door.

“Yes!”

Winston entered, an A4 envelope in his hand. 

“This has just been delivered for you Sir.”

I took the envelope from his outstretched hand and ripped it open. As I retrieved the contents and began to look through them my expression became one of horror. Bile burned the back of my throat, and I swallowed savagely to stop myself from vomiting.

“Sir? Sir? What is it Sir? Are you okay?”

“Get Hillier. Tell him I need to see him immediately.”

“Sir?”

“Go Winston, now!”

I slumped bonelessly into my chair, breathing heavily to try and fight the nausea that was coming in waves, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the horrific images that I held in my shaking hand. As I fought to control my emotions Hillier entered the office.

“What’s this about Lynley?”

I couldn’t speak, the words wouldn’t come. I offered him the pictures, watching as his expression changed from irritation to revulsion. He sat down heavily.

“Where did you get these from?”

I took a deep breath, “I had a call, someone I didn’t recognise. Told me they had found something precious I had misplaced. Said they’d send me a package by courier. Winston brought me this.”

“Was there anything else in the envelope?”

“I haven’t looked.”

Hillier checked the envelope and found a small piece of paper. Unfolding it carefully, he scanned it.

“It’s an address.” He held it out to me. “Go, take Winston. I’ll arrange for SCO19 and an ambulance. I know she’s your partner Lynley, but you must wait for SCO19 before going in.”

I was out of the door and barking for Winston to follow me before he had finished speaking.

I drove like a maniac, pushing the Bristol to its limits, ignoring Winston’s questioning, focussing on my goal. I had to get to Barbara, nothing else mattered.

~*~

My mind was beginning to shut down, unable to cope with what my body had experienced. No one was coming, no one knew where I was. Silently, I accepted that I was going to die the same way I had lived; alone.


	4. Chapter 4

I paced, trying to keep a lid on my worry but failing miserably. No one would tell me what was happening with Barbara, and only my breeding prevented me from yelling at the medical staff.

When I had found her in the basement of the old office block, I’d thought that I was too late. I had hurried to her side, falling to my knees, trying desperately to find a pulse, only for her to moan loudly in pain as I grasped her wrist. Despite the circumstances, there had never been a sweeter sound. While she was alive there was a chance.

She had been rushed to hospital and stabilised, before being taken for a CT scan. Whatever that had revealed it couldn’t have been good, because she was spirited away for surgery. I had been told that someone would come and speak to me as soon as there was any news; that had been over an hour ago and I had heard nothing since.

“What’s the latest news on Havers?”

I turned around to find Hillier standing in the doorway.

“There isn’t any.” I ran my fingers through my hair, pushing it back off my forehead. “She went to CT and then they took her directly to theatre. That was an hour or so ago.”

“Did she say anything about who did this?”

“I didn’t ask!” Hillier raised an eyebrow. “Sorry. When I found her, she was so still, so quiet, I thought she was dead.”

Hillier’s hand came out and gripped me on my shoulder. I knew he meant it as a gesture of support but it annoyed me. I fought to stay calm.

“She’s a fighter, she won’t let this beat her.”

“I hope you’re right Sir, I really do.”

~*~

I lay in bed staring blankly at the ceiling. I had survived, but I didn’t feel that it was anything to celebrate or feel grateful for. The woman I had been, the woman who had left the office and been irritated by her car, she had ceased to exist.

The door to my room opened and someone entered. I didn’t look to see who it was, it didn’t matter, nothing mattered to me now. I was compliant with my care to a point, letting the healthcare professionals do what they needed to, but not acknowledging them in any way. For all intents and purposes, I might as well have been a child’s poseable doll.

I spent most of my time living in my memories, recalling the happy times I had spent with Terry and my parents. Holidays at the caravan site, Christmases, birthdays, ice creams in the park, day trips to the beach, making dens, school discos, and end of term plays. Life had been good then, with nothing more to worry about than what was for tea.

Sometimes I thought about Tommy, the cases we had investigated, the nights spent in one pub or another, drinking beer and consuming bar food of varying edibility. Of conversations we’d shared; in the car, in the office, on the phone. Of trips to Howenstow, and nights spent in one or other’s lounge room, sipping scotch and gently teasing. Of cold toast and hot chips, arguing and bantering. Of becoming the most unlikely of best friends.

When I had come round from surgery, groggy from the anaesthetic, Tommy had been at my bedside. He had tried to get me to talk to him, to tell him who had taken me, but I didn’t want to speak to anyone, even him. As the hours had turned into days, and I still wouldn’t speak, he had become frustrated, not understanding why I wouldn’t help him catch the people behind my attack, why I wasn’t cooperating with the investigation. He became angry with me, something that normally would have made me bite back, but on this occasion his show of temper achieved nothing. It wasn’t that I couldn’t speak, it was that I had no desire or inclination to.

~*~

Barbara’s behaviour was confusing me. While I appreciated that she had been through a horrendous ordeal, her complete apathy to life was not the reaction I had expected. As Hillier had said, she was a fighter, or at least she had been, now it seemed as if the fight had left her and she had given up.

She wouldn’t feed herself, she wouldn’t wash or dress, in fact the only thing she would do for herself was toilet. Where once there had been talk about transferring her to a rehabilitation unit, her doctors were now saying she needed a care facility where she could be watched and tended to twenty-four hours a day. I could see the sense in their suggestion, but at the same time the thought of her being locked away in some secure unit terrified me. I wanted my Barbara back, I felt adrift without her standing by my side, guiding me, grounding me, keeping me sane.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _This chapter is dedicated to everyone sharing my brain right now. You know who you are and you are exceptionally brave souls!!!_
> 
> _:o)_

As the weeks turned into months Barbara’s condition didn’t change. She was fading away in front of me, and had lost so much weight that her clothes swamped her tiny frame. I had hoped that as time passed, putting some distance between her and what had happened to her, that she would start talking. She hadn’t.

I lost interest in work, not caring about anything except Barbara. I wanted to find whoever it was that had taken her and destroyed her, I wanted to make them pay, but with absolutely no leads to go on, my hands were effectively tied. Hillier hadn’t understood my disinterest, he thought that my first, last, and only loyalty should have been to the Met, and so I had resigned. 

When I wasn’t with Barbara I sat at home and wallowed. Without my best friend, I sought comfort in the bottle. Whiskey took the edge off my anxiety, allowing me to get just enough sleep to function, but it didn’t ease my guilt or the feeling that I should have protected her.

I wanted to help her, to somehow reach her and draw her back into the land of the living as she had done for me after Helen died. While I knew and understood the facts of what she had been through and the injuries she had been left with, I had no concept of the things she had undergone that didn’t leave a physical scar. All I did know was that I needed to find that spark inside her, the one that would relight her fight and her desire for life.

~*~

I was aware of Tommy visiting me, but I still couldn’t bring myself to speak to him. If I did, if I let him in, then it would mean dealing with what had happened to me, and I didn’t want to ever do that.

I knew that my behaviour confused and frustrated him, but explaining to him why I didn’t care what happened to me now would also mean dealing with what had happened to me. I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t want to do anything that would involve facing the real world. All I wanted was to be left alone with my memories, slowly fading away until nothing of me remained. The person I had been was dead, I was just waiting for the rest of me to follow. I hoped that it wouldn’t take much longer.

~*~

As Barbara’s next of kin, any decisions that needed to be made about her care were routinely discussed with me, so when I received a telephone call asking me to come to the care facility early for a meeting with her doctor and named nurse I wasn’t unduly concerned.

The receptionist led me to the nursing office and knocked on the door, leaving me when the door opened. Barbara’s nurse smiled welcomingly at me.

“Thank you for coming Mr Lynley, can we get you a tea of a coffee?”

I shook my head, “I’d rather you get straight to the point so that I can go and see Barbara.”

“Of course.”

I sat in the only vacant chair and stared at her and the doctor expectantly.

“As you are aware, Barbara has to be assisted with all her nutritional needs. We were getting her to eat and drink a moderate amount, but she is now refusing nearly all attempts to feed her or give her liquids. We are concerned about her weight, and we feel the best course of action would be to perform an endoscopic medical procedure to provide her with a Peg feeding tube.”

“It’s got that bad?”

“It has.”

“Is there anything else that you can try before you go down that route?”

“Not really. If she were cooperating in other ways then we could try therapy, however…”

“As she won’t interact with anyone or anything you can’t. What if I were to take her away for a while? I would arrange for her to have the same level of care as she is receiving here, but perhaps a change of scenery might be beneficial to her?”

“Where did you have in mind?”

“My house in Cornwall. It is secluded, near the sea, but still within reach of medical services if they are needed.”

“Are you sure about this? Barbara needs a lot of care?”

“If there is a chance that it will help her then I am sure. Barbara saved me when I was at my lowest ebb, I owe it to her to do everything that I can.”


	6. Chapter 6

I watched Barbara as she slept, struck by how peaceful she looked. When she was sleeping I could almost convince myself that there was nothing wrong, that she was the Barbara of old.

I had employed a small team of private nurses to provide the care she needed while she was at Howenstow; as much as I wanted to be the one to assist her and look after her, it wouldn’t have been appropriate for me to help her bathe and dress.

I sat down on the edge of the bed and tenderly stroked her hair.

“I hate seeing you suffer Barbara, and I wish you would let me help you. When my life fell apart, you were there for me, a tower of strength, never wavering in your support, even when I was determined to show you that I didn’t need you. 

“I am here for you Barbara. It doesn’t matter how hard you try to push me away, I’m not going anywhere. I am not going to give up on you, even if you’ve given up on yourself. Together we can beat this, you just need to take the first step.”

I pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek before quietly leaving the room.

~*~

I waited until I heard the door click shut before opening my eyes and rolling onto my back.

Coming here had been a mistake, but the only way I could have prevented it would have been by speaking out, which was something I couldn’t bring myself to do.

When I had been in hospital and the care facility, it had been easy to ignore everyone and sit quietly with my thoughts. Howenstow was different, memories had assaulted me from the moment I had walked through the door; I was struggling to stay detached and that scared me.

Having Tommy by my side twenty-four-seven, listening to him as he spoke, hearing the concern in his voice; my defensive walls were starting to crumble and I was unsure if I could rebuild them.

My cheeks felt wet and I realised that I was crying. I swiped angrily at my eyes, annoyed with myself for allowing feelings and emotions to creep in. This was exactly what I had been trying to avoid.

I climbed out of bed and crossed over to the window, looking out into the darkness, wishing I could turn back time, while knowing it was hopeless.

~*~

I entered Barbara’s room, carrying her breakfast on a tray. She was up and dressed, sitting in a chair by the window, and I was surprised because the nurse who helped her shower and dress wasn’t due until after breakfast.

I made my way to her side, placing the tray on a small table next to her before sitting down in the other chair.

“Good morning Barbara.” I kept my voice light and friendly. If Barbara had got herself washed and dressed then it was progress, but I didn’t want to draw unnecessary attention to it or make her feel self-conscious. 

She didn’t speak, instead reaching for the mug of coffee I had just carried in and taking a sip, before turning her attention back to the window, the mug still cradled in her hands.

My heart leapt, thrilled that she appeared to be interacting with her surroundings, even if she wasn’t speaking.

“I’ve brought you toast, but I’m sorry I couldn’t cremate it to your usual tastes. I hope you will forgive me.”

She still didn’t respond verbally, but freed up one hand to pick up a triangle of toast, nibbling on it between more sips of coffee.

I smiled before getting to my feet. “I shall let you enjoy your breakfast. You can leave the tray there when you’re finished, I'll come and get it later.”

I was nearly at the door when she spoke, her voice almost a whisper.

“Thank you, Tommy.”

I turned back to face her, trying very hard not to show how delighted I was. “My pleasure, Barbara," before slipping from the room.


	7. Chapter 7

I’d spent the entire night arguing with myself, going back and forth, back and forth, trying to decide on the best course of action. The crumbling ruins that were all that remained of my carefully erected defences were as good as useless now, and rebuilding them felt like a lost cause, but I didn’t feel comfortable letting Tommy in on everything that happened to me. If I gave voice to the details of my attack it became real and, even though Tommy had been the one to rescue me, I worried that he would look at me differently. I couldn’t lose his friendship, which was ridiculous considering how I had behaved towards him, but if I was going to re-enter the world then I needed him by my side.

I watched the sun rise and then decided to have a shower. I hoped that it would clear my head and wake me up a little. I switched the shower on and let the water run while I slipped off my nightwear. Climbing under the scalding rain, I turned my face to the spray and let the water cleanse me, warming my emaciated frame. I had so little flesh on my bones now that I found it hard to get warm or stay that way.

I stayed under the spray until the water ran cold. Turning the shower off and wrapping myself in a huge bath towel, I wandered into the bedroom and gathered together some clothes. I towelled myself off and then dressed. The effort had exhausted me, but I wanted to be ready for when Tommy arrived with my breakfast. I wanted to surprise him.

I had been dozing when the door to my room open and Tommy appeared. I didn’t acknowledge him as he crossed the room and placed the tray down next to me. I didn’t acknowledge him as he wished me good morning, but I did retrieve the mug of coffee from the tray. I brought it to my lips and took a sip, cradling the mug in my hands.

Tommy was obviously pleased; he didn’t mention it directly, instead he started to tell me all about the toast he’d made for me. I took the hint, picking up a half-slice and nibbling on it, washing each mouthful down with further sips from the mug.

When he stood to leave and made his excuses I felt that I should say something. He wouldn’t be expecting me to, but that wasn’t the point.

“Thank you, Tommy.”

It was the first words I had spoken in over six months, and my voice was barely more than a whisper. It felt strange to be speaking, something that I had thought I would never do again, and I was so wrapped up in that feeling that I nearly missed his response.

“My pleasure, Barbara.”

As the door closed behind him I sighed. I had spoken and nothing had happened. The sky hadn’t fallen in, nor had I been struck by a lightning bolt. That might change once Tommy and I actually had a conversation instead of just exchanging pleasantries, something I knew I had to do, but first I needed to find the courage.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Apologies for the sporadic updating over the last couple of days... real life got demanding and wouldn't be ignored... no matter how much I complained that it was stealing my precious writing time._
> 
> _:o)_

I wandered out into the garden and took a seat on the terrace. Bailey, Dorothy’s Irish Setter, bounded over to me, dropping a tennis ball at my feet and then resting his head on my knee. I smiled at his pleading expression, scratching him behind the ear, before throwing the tennis ball off the terrace and onto the lawn. Bailey happily chased after it, scooping it up in his mouth and running back. He dropped it at my feet and resumed his pleading for me to play.

“You do realise that once you start this game, Bailey will expect you to keep it up all day.”

I looked up, shading my eyes from the sun, my smile widened. Bailey objected to being ignored and so picked up his ball and wandered off.

“Do you mind if I join you?”

I shook my head and so Tommy sat down next to me, stretching his legs out in front of him. 

“Is there anything specific you’d like to do today?”

“Talk.”

“We can do that.”

I settled back in the chair and closed my eyes, feeling the warmth of the sun on my face. My outwards appearance might have been one of calmness, but inside I was still petrified. Finding my voice again, I began to speak.

“I know that you were angry with me for not talking to you after what happened. I wasn’t trying to be difficult, I just couldn’t. They took my body and made it something I wanted to escape. It was dirty, disgusting, violated, and I didn’t care what happened to it. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror without seeing what they made it, what it had become, that was why I starved myself.

“What I went through, I don’t know if I will ever be able to put it into words. It was… it changed me. They killed me, and I dealt with it the only way I knew how. I tried to think only of happier times; with my family, with you. Anything was preferable to what had occurred.”

“And now?”

“Being here, it tore down my barricades. I couldn’t stay detached, even though I tried to. I don’t think I’ll ever be the person I was, but, in time and with a lot of work, I might be able to become someone new.”

“Can you tell me who attacked you?”

“I could, but I won’t. It’s probably hard for you to understand this, and I’m sorry if it infuriates you but, if I name names then there will be a trial and I will have to relive the whole experience. I can’t do that. However much they deserve to be punished, I can’t punish myself. I don’t think I’d make it back a second time.”

Tommy reached across and took my hand, “I respect your decision. Yes, I am angry that whoever hurt you has got away scot-free, but I would never sacrifice you for justice. It would be an incredibly pointless and hollow victory.”

I squeezed his fingers. “Thank you. One day I might be able to tell people what happened to me, however that day is currently a very, very long way off.”

“And I’m here for you, even if that day never comes. Whatever you need Barbara, all you have to do is ask.”

“Just don’t be angry with me. I’m probably going to do things or say things that will confuse you, irritate you, even infuriate you. You will need to be patient with me; as I said, I have a long way to go before I even begin to feel like a functioning human being again. I’m going to make mistakes, but they are my mistakes to make, even if you don’t understand them.”

“I will respect your right to do things your way, but don’t expect me to sit back and let you do yourself harm. The last six months were hell for me too, I thought I’d lost you forever and it was killing me inside.”

I tugged my hand free from his, “I thought you understood.”

He rose from his seat and crouched down in front of me, tilting my chin so that I had to look him in the eye.

“I do understand, and I know that whatever I felt, it was nothing compared to what you were going through, but it wasn’t a walk in the park for me either. Every day you slipped further away from me, and there was nothing I could do to bring you back. If bringing you to Howenstow hadn’t had any effect they were going to insert a Peg feeding tube into your stomach. This was my last-ditch attempt at reaching you before that happened.”

“They were really going to do that?”

He nodded.

“And you brought me here to stop that happening?”

He nodded again, his eyes brimming with tears. “I had to try. I knew you would hate it.”

“Thank you.”

“We can do this Barbara. Nothing is insurmountable if we face it together, that’s the way it’s always been for us, and it has always worked. You pulled me back from the edge when Helen died, I’m here to do that for you now. You’re my best friend; I don’t want to lose you, I can't lose you.”

I cupped the side of his face with my hand, my thumb wiping away a stray tear that was currently tracking its way to freedom down his cheek. He leant into my touch.

“You won’t.”


	9. Chapter 9

Barbara had come back from her appointment with her therapist and disappeared into my study. She had moved in with me when we returned from Howenstow, mainly so that I could keep an eye on her and make sure she didn’t relapse, but I was glad of the company. I left her alone for a while, not wanting to intrude, but when she hadn’t reappeared after an hour I decided to see if she was okay.

I knocked on the door and then popped my head around it. Barbara was sitting at my desk, chewing distractedly on the end of a pen.

“I’m making coffee, do you want one?”

She shook her head. “No, but a gallon of whiskey would be helpful right about now.”

I stepped into the room, “what’s wrong and can I do anything to help, besides giving you a gallon of whiskey, which is not going to happen by the way?”

She shook her head again. “My psychologist has given me homework and I’m not sure that I am ready to undertake it.”

I leant against the edge of the desk she was sitting at. “Would I be prying if I asked what your homework is?”

“You wouldn’t. As part of my cognitive processing therapy I apparently need to be exposed to feared memories that I have of the attack. I need to write an account of what happened to me, and then I need to read it in order to habituate my fears, whatever the hell that is supposed to mean.”

I fought a smile. That statement had been pure Barbara Havers of old, but I didn’t think she would thank me for pointing that out.

“Did you tell your counsellor that you didn’t feel ready to do this?”

“Yes. Apparently, and I quote, ‘that is exactly why you need to do it’. Like it’s that easy!”

“If it were easy then you wouldn’t need to do it. When we were at Howenstow, you told me that it was going to take a long time and a lot of work before you began to feel like a functioning human being. You’ve come so far since then. You have worked hard, very hard, and you’ve made amazing progress. You should be so proud of yourself and of what you’ve achieved.”

“That doesn’t mean that I can put what happened to me down on paper.”

“No, it doesn’t, but what it does mean is that even if you can’t write it down, you are still making progress. Not being able to ‘do your homework’ isn’t a sign that you are failing in your recovery, it just means you’ve stumbled a little. In all the time I’ve known you, when you stumble you right yourself and you carry on. Perhaps you need to find a different way to achieve what you set out to, but you get there in the end. That’s something I’ve always admired about you, and it’s a lesson you taught me well.”

“I did?”

“Definitely.”

“How?”

“I watched the way you dealt with what life threw at you, and it made me ashamed. There I was, a poncy, privileged earl who behaved like a tortured adolescent every time something didn’t go his way, and there were you, a woman who life tried to keep cowed and yet never gave up. You taught me to find a way to adapt and not surrender; to not think that I was owed or that I deserved. It was a lesson that was needed, and it had been a long time coming, so thank you.”

A beaming smile lit up her face.

“How come you always seem to know the right things to say?”

“I told you, I had a good teacher. Now, why don’t you go and have a nice relaxing bath while I order us a takeaway for dinner?”

“Sounds good."

"Anything in particular that you fancy?”

Barbara stood and crossed the room to the door. “I shall leave the decision entirely in your hands.”

“Okay then.”

She was halfway up the stairs before she shouted, “but it better not be bloody sushi.”

Even though she couldn’t see me, I rolled my eyes and grinned. Leaning against the bannister I called out, “any other instructions?”

“No, we’re good, or we will be if there is no sushi involved.”

“Your wish is my command milady.”

Her bubbling laughter followed me along the hallway to the kitchen.


	10. Chapter 10

After a relaxed supper of takeaway Chinese, Tommy and I had spent the evening watching television and talking, finally retiring to bed at just after ten. 

It had been a pleasant evening, but the spectre of my therapy homework had lurked in the corner of the room, for me anyhow. I had listened to what Tommy had said to me, and he had made a lot of sense, but I knew that I had to do what my therapist had asked me to or else the spectre would just follow me around for the rest of my days.

I pulled on my robe, quietly left my room and crept down the stairs to Tommy’s study. I crossed the room in the darkness until I reached the desk when I switched on the lamp. Settling myself in his chair, I retrieved a pen and a piece of paper and began to write.

The next time I looked at my watch it was seven in the morning. I yawned and stretched, wondering where the time had gone, and then headed for the kitchen and a much-needed coffee. I was in the middle of doing battle with Tommy’s coffee machine when the man himself appeared.

“Good morning Barbara, you’re up early?”

“I haven’t actually been to bed.”

I watched as his expression became one of concern.

“Why? Is something wrong?”

“No, nothing’s wrong, except for this infernal contraption trying to deprive me of much needed caffeine!”

He crossed the kitchen and rescued both me and the machine.

“Honestly Tommy, you need a degree in rocket science to work that thing. What’s wrong with a kettle and a jar of instant?”

“I’m not going to dignify that with a response! So, why have you been up all night?”

“I did my homework.”

“And?”

“And I did my homework. End of story. Or at least end of story until I get some caffeine inside me.”

Tommy took the hint, turning his attention back to the stainless steel and black behemoth that was hissing and spitting. A couple of minutes later he pressed a mug of coffee into my hands. I took a sip and sighed gratefully.

“Thank you,” I turned to the coffee machine, “and thank you, eventually!”

“There’s a knack.”

“No there’s not. It’s female and will only bend to your will.”

Tommy went to protest, but I grinned cheekily at him and stopped him in his tracks.

“Very droll Barbara. So, homework?”

“I couldn’t sleep. I listened to everything you said, I believed everything you said, but when I went to bed I couldn’t settle. I decided to see if I could write, so I came down to your study. The next thing I knew it was seven and I had a coffee craving.”

“As long as you don’t push yourself too hard.”

“I’m not. I have no idea what I wrote, but it wasn’t as hard to do as I thought it would be. I think it ended up being just a stream of consciousness.”

“Do you want to read it?”

“Again no, but as part of the homework was reading it, well I’m going to have to, at some point.”

“When you’re ready.”

“When I’m ready.” I stared into the depths of the mug I was holding in almost a death grip. “You could read it, if you want to. I mean, you don’t have to, because, whatever I’ve written, it probably isn’t pretty, and you might be disgusted by me and hate me, but if you want to.”

Tommy took the mug from my hands, placing on the counter.

“What happened to you, it wasn’t your fault. Nothing you did or didn’t do made this happen. The person who attacked you, it was their sick and twisted behaviour that made them decide to hurt someone, and unfortunately you were the person they chose.”

“It was my fault.”

“No, it wasn’t.”

“It was. The man, it was Trollů.”


	11. Chapter 11

I sat down heavily, my head in my hands.

“Say something Tommy.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“I shouldn’t have told you.” Barbara turned and made to leave the room. I reached out and gently caught hold of her hand.

“Don’t go.”

“Then you need to speak to me.”

I tugged her closer. “You were blindfolded. How did you know it was him?”

“It was what he said when he left me, the gleeful ‘it’s been fun but we’ve got places to be and people to murder’. I knew then that I was a message.”

I dropped Barbara’s hand and ran to the sink, bent double, violently retching. I felt a hand on my back, gently stroking, soothing and calming.

Eventually the retching stopped. I spat and then wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. A glass of water and a piece of kitchen towel appeared at my side; I accepted them gratefully, sipping the water slowly and wiping my mouth again.

Barbara began to wash out the sink.

“You don’t need to do that.”

“I know I don’t need to, I want to.”

I watched her as she continued to clear up after me, wave after wave of self-loathing washing over me.

“How can you bear to be anywhere near me?”

She turned around, a puzzled expression on her face. “What do you mean?”

“What happened to you, it wasn’t your fault, it was mine.”

She shook her head and turned back to the sink, “it wasn’t. I was preoccupied. My car wouldn’t start and I was hurrying to catch the last tube home. I wasn’t paying attention.”

“But I was the one who was after Trollů.”

“Were you?”

“You know I was.”

“Really? I thought that the whole team were looking to bring him down, I didn’t realise that you were on a one-man crusade for justice. Not everything that happens is down to you. You may be the eighth Earl of Asherton but even your influence isn’t that far-reaching!”

“Then explain this to me. If I’m not responsible then how can you be? If my influence isn’t that far reaching then how can yours be?”

“I never claimed that my influence had anything to do with it. My not paying attention to my surroundings did. Also, I didn’t fight back. Actually, that’s not strictly true, I tried to fight back but was soon made to rethink that decision.”

I retreated further into myself, tentacles of darkness beginning to spread their way through my body. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply.

“And you can bloody stop that right now!”

I looked up, Barbara was stood in front of me, her hands on her hips.

“Stop what?”

“The emotional retreat. Look, you fought to bring me back to this world. You were the one who made me care again. You were there for me. Every single day you came to visit me; you held my hand, you talked to me. If it wasn’t for you, if it wasn’t for your friendship, well I would have given up. If I blamed you, if I thought for one second that you bore any responsibility for what happened to me, do you think you would have been able to reach me?”

“No but…”

“There are no bloody buts!”

“I’m trying to…”

“Try my patience? Drive me to distraction? Make me lose my rag?”

I caught her hands and held them loosely in mine.

“None of those things. Do you mean it Barbara?”

“Do I mean what? That I don’t, never have, and never will blame you in any way? Yes, I mean it, and if you were to ask me tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or even next year, my answer would be the same. You are in no way responsible for anything that happened to me.”

I smiled warmly at her.

“What?”

“You’ve always been my lioness haven’t you. Fighting for me, defending the indefensible, picking me up whenever I’ve fallen down, being my friend when I don’t deserve one.”

Her angry expression fled, replaced by a broad grin. “So, I’m a lioness, I guess there are worse things to be. I’ve always thought of you as a panther; sleek, powerful, lithe, ferocious, dangerous, beautiful.”

“Beautiful?”

“Mmmm.” She lowered her head, but not before I had seen her blush, and I made a mental note of her reaction. I decided to change the subject.

“Are you too tired for breakfast?”

“I’m never too tired for food.”

I laughed, “in that case, why don’t we go upstairs and get dressed and then I will take you out for the greasiest full English possible.”

“And instant coffee so strong you could stand a spoon up in it?”

“If that is what your heart desires.”

She nodded. “Race you! Last one upstairs pays!”

I let her win.


	12. Chapter 12

It was the scream that woke me.

I sat bolt upright and looked around the room, dazed and confused. Then there was another scream, and I realised that it was Tommy.

I leapt out of bed and rushed across the hall, bursting through the door to his room just in time to hear him cry out my name.

I clambered onto the bed and put my hand on his arm, gently shaking him.

“Wake up Tommy.”

His eyes flew open.

“Barbara?”

“Yes Tommy, it’s me. You were having a nightmare.”

He rolled onto his side, curling himself into a ball and started to cry. Without thinking, I lay down behind him and then enveloped him in my embrace, pulling his back against my chest, running my hand up and down his arm.

“You’re safe Tommy, it was only a dream.”

He began to relax; his sobs lessening, his body loosening up, and his breathing evening out.

“I’m here, to listen, if you want to talk about it, and I’m still here, if you don’t.”

“I lost you.”

“You didn’t.”

“I know I’m selfish, and that I should be the one supporting you.”

“You are supporting me, you always have.”

“I can’t do this without you.”

I hugged him tighter, “can’t do what Tommy?”

“This, live. You’ve been a part of my life, a part of me, for such a long time now that I can’t remember a time without you, I don’t want to, it terrifies me. I said I was selfish, sorry.”

I sat up and tugged his shoulder, “look at me Tommy.”

He rolled onto his back, and glassy eyes met mine.

“You’re not being selfish. You and I, we’ve always had, well something. You’re as much a part of me as I am a part of you. I don’t know what our relationship is, I’m not even sure that there is a way to classify it, but I know that you are the most important person in my life. You called me a lioness, and as far as you are concerned I am and I always will be.”

“You called me a beautiful panther, did you mean it?”

“In all the time you have known me, when have I ever said something that I don’t mean?”

He reached out and put his hand on my hip, his fingers slipping under the edge of my pajama top and resting against my skin.

“What’s happening with us Barbara?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. I know how I feel, and I know that it scares me.”

“How you feel scares you or I scare you?”

“How I feel scares me.”

His fingers began to absently stroke my hip. “I’d never hurt you.”

“I told you, I’m not scared of you.”

“Then explain it to me.”

“You know what happened to me, you read my therapy homework. What they did to me, it destroyed me. It took the person I was and made me into someone I hardly recognised, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be properly fixed. 

“Before the attack happened, we both knew that our relationship was evolving. Things we had pretended we didn’t feel, we were gradually giving in to them. We both knew that our friendship was actually a very deep and very special love.

“I still love you, and I always will, I just don’t know if I’m ever going to be in a position to love you the way you deserve to be loved. I have feelings for you, strong emotional and physical feelings. The emotional feelings I can handle, the non-sexual contact between us I can handle, the thought of anything else scares the hell out of me, and that isn’t fair to you.”

“Barbara, what we have, what we’ve always had, it is enough. I love you and I understand. I love you and I will never put any pressure on you. I love you and I respect you. If you are never ready then I am fine with that. The decision is always yours, just as your body is yours, I am just happy to share my life with you.”

“I don’t deserve you or your kindness, you should have left me in the care facility.”

“That was never going to happen.”

“Your life would be easier.”

“My life would be empty. I told you Barbara, I can’t do this without you.”

“And what I can give you, that is enough?”

“You said it yourself Barbara, what we have, what we feel for each other, it’s a deep and special love. Most people go their whole lives without finding what we have, I’m not prepared to give that up.”

As I sank down onto the bed, Tommy wrapped his arms around me and gently kissed my forehead.

“I’m not prepared to give you up. I love you Barbara Havers, just the way you are.”

Safe in each other’s arms, we fell into a peaceful sleep.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _With thanks to Alee and 'Flowers On A Razor Wire'_

Barbara and I fell into a routine, and we were a couple in every way except for intimately. She had a few wobbles, worrying that she was stopping me from finding someone I could have what she called a proper relationship with, but I had reassured her that she was everything to me and all that I wanted or needed.

The more time we spent together, the more she became the Barbara I knew of old. We laughed together, argued together, and every night we would cuddle up in bed together, talking and kissing as we drifted off to sleep.

Tonight was going to be a challenge. I had to attended a charity event, an incredibly boring dinner at the Natural History Museum. I had been willing to go on my own, thinking that three hours of being stuck in a museum with a bunch of ponces and their significant others would test Barbara’s patience to breaking point, but she had insisted that she would accompany me.

She had been shopping to find something appropriate, banning me from coming with her or seeing what she had purchased. I expected it to be like the dress she had worn to my engagement party; black, shapeless and incredibly conservative. It didn’t matter to me what she wore, I just wanted everything to be okay so that it didn’t set back her recovery.

The door from the en-suite opened as I was struggling with my cufflinks.

“Barbara, can you help me with…” My voice tailed off as I looked up at her. She was wearing a slate grey chiffon trouser suit with a metallic grey lace top underneath and matching mid-heel court shoes. She had never looked more beautiful. 

“Do I look okay?”

“You look stunning.”

She secured my cufflinks, not looking me in the eye. “I know it’s not a cocktail dress, but I wouldn’t have felt comfortable…”

I caught hold of her chin and made her look at me before kissing her tenderly, “I told you, you look stunning. That colour really suits you.”

“I don’t want to let you down or embarrass you.”

“You won’t, you never could.”

~*~

I helped Barbara out of the taxi, slipping my arm around her shoulders, smiling when she nestled against me as we walked to the front door.

As soon as we were inside the house, she kicked off her shoes and then curled up on the couch, tugging me down beside her.

“I had a nice time tonight Tommy, I’m glad I went.”

“Even though you were trapped in a room with a load of ponces?”

“You made it more than bearable.”

I tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear, “you really are beautiful.”

She blushed and smiled, leaning her head against my hand. “You’re the beautiful one remember, my beautiful panther.”

“You are my beautiful lioness. I love you so much Barbara.”

She leaned forward, one of her hands resting on my chest above my heart, and kissed me. My hand moved so that my fingers could tangle in her hair, holding her close, and I met her kiss just as passionately. Barbara clambered onto my lap, her arms around my neck, mine around her waist, our kisses becoming more and more intense.

I suddenly became aware of just how fast things were progressing.

“Barbara, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have.”

She kissed me again. “Yes, you should. I want this, I want you.”

“Are you sure?”

“I want to try.”

I stood, lifting her into my arms as I did, and then carried her up the stairs to the bedroom. Kicking the door closed with my heel, I placed her on the bed and began kissing her again.

“This is all about you okay. If you are scared, or you want to stop, then we will stop.”

“Just be patient with me, and love me.”

“That’s easy.”

Clothes were discarded as we kissed and caressed. I positioned us so that Barbara was facing the edge of the bed, my chest spooned against her back, my arm loosely over her hip, rubbing her skin. I hoped that the position would make her feel secure; it didn’t crowd her and allowed her to escape if she wanted to.

I nuzzled against her neck, “are you sure Barbara?”

“Yes.”

My hand worked its way over her body, my fingers dipping into her navel before moving lower, as my mouth nipped and kissed her neck and shoulder. As she relaxed against me I allowed my fingers to slide their way through her nest of curls, teasing and stroking. She moaned, pushing herself against my hand, her legs opening wider, allowing me to slide two fingers inside her, my thumb moving over her sensitive nub.

I felt her internal muscles clamp down on my fingers as she rode out wave upon wave of pleasure. I kept caressing her, telling her how much I loved her, how much she meant to me, and how I adored her. 

While she was still lost in the throes of ecstasy, I let my fingers slip from her body and guided myself into her. At first I didn’t move, revelling in the feeling of completeness, of home, but then need took over and I rocked slowly back and forth until we fell headfirst into the oblivion of our union.

Barbara rolled over to face me, her eyes moist with unshed tears. I reached up and cradled her cheek in the palm of her hand.

“Are you okay?”

She nodded and smiled, “thank you, for understanding, for not rushing me, for loving me.”

“I am the one who should be thanking you, for gifting me your trust, your love and your heart. You mean everything to me Barbara, I want to spend the rest of my life showing you that.”

“Was that a proposal?”

“I guess it was, but I should do it properly, it’s the least you deserve. Barbara Havers, will you make this poncy old earl very happy and become his countess, his wife, his equal in all things?”

“Tommy Lynley, it would be my absolute pleasure.”


End file.
